My life......

Well I have my own place......this is the best feeling I am finally where I want to be well some what anyway. I think I have reached a point in my life where I just need to be alone I mean not dating because I really hate dating not meeting anyone, not showing interest in anyone I just want to be alone. I have never wanted to admit this to myself but I think I have issues with being alone or not having a man in my life. It seems as if a relationship was my validation for who I was, never thought I would be one of those women but long be hold I am....so there I have admitted it. I always felt like Jamaine was my rock and my support system,but I have girlfriends for that. So what does all this mean, do I not want to be with him anymore??? Do I want be alone???? I don't know I am at a very confused state in my life. We wake up next to each other with no feeling or touching I don't know its such emotionless relationship we probably would have been better off as friends. I have so many regrets and I am not even thirty yet!!!! Just thinking back to the begining of the relationship we met in July and we were calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend by August not because I wanted to be with him because I did not want to deal with the hurt of what Terrence had put me through. I can't say that I have nothing for him but I think well I know that there was always something missing. Even with Lamar, and I am only using this as a comparison because it was my last relationship I decided to get with him because I wanted to be with him. I was truly courted and I don't think Jamaine did that to my expectations. There were signs of his cheapness very early in the relationship but I wanted a relationship so I ignored allot of things which I regret so badly now. I do believe that this could be a healthy relationship if I did not have these feelings going on inside of my.

I don't want to sound like I don't love him because I do. I have a deep respect for him and would never want to hurt him I don't think that I could ever love him the way he deserves to be loved it sounds terrible but it is real.

If I had a magic wind right now and I could change my situation I would have my own apartment be financially stable it would just be me and my cat who knows I might be dating or probably not who knows.

I have so much going on in my head so figure it is better to just either write it down type it out so today I will type it out. Yesterday I say my moms paycheck and I realize that I make more money then she does, I feel sad for her but I felt truly blessed. She has been at her job for twenty plus years and I don't even have three years in yet. I mean I don't understand why people complain about our jobs when we get paid allot of money to do allot of nothing. People are you ungrateful.
Okay so our move in date is getting closer.....I have mixed feelings about I guess. I don't have any regrets yet I mean yes I always wanted to live alone but being alone is not all its cracked up to be. I know that I would not have a problem living on my own but I did not know that my situation would be what it is. Really who can plan there future and know that it is guaranteed to pan out that way. So right now I am going with the flow.

Things are okay for now I finally enjoying my life....the sacrifice was definitely worth it. My money troubles are settling down, still working on budgeting but it's coming together. I wish I could put my mother in a better situation I hate the way her bose talks to her. I wish she would stand up for herself. It's not easy but I am learning.

Well I don't really have much on my mind other then getting up going to work tomorrow, I am working at both jobs tomorrow. I would not mind having sex tonight, I don't no we will see how it goes my boyfriend does not do it for me all the time. What else is on my mind......I got my hair done today I like it. Well I am about to get ready for bed.

I am about to get ready for work, this suck big monkey balz!!! I need to take out my micros they are looking nasty. At times I don't mind going to work so I don't have to be around my boyfriend I thought that me being on different shift would help us but it seems that we are bickering more he seems to think that it is normal. Well I have to start getting ready for work.

I cannot wait to get this over with my weight is up to 158 and my hair is falling out. I am so miserable with myself. Everybody is losing and I am probably the only one gaining. I just don't know what I want to do with myself. I am really going through a tough time I feel very insecure about myself and it is begining to effect my relationship. Today I got sparyed with mase, OMG I felt like ripping my face off. I highly reccommend not getting mased it does not do anything good for you. What else is going on I brought the rabbit today I guess I will please myself since I don't want to have sex with my boyfriend. Oh well that's basically everything in a nutshell I mean I could go on but I am too sleepy, so I guess that is it for now.

For some reason I have been thinking about friends and stuff lately. Like keeping in contact with certian people and how sometimes we think that people will be in our lives for longer periods of time then what the actually are. For example, I have had people in my life that I felt like they were truly my friends and we would always keep in contact and such but that was not the case. Like Tearinea sometimes I feel really bad about how our friendship turned out because I feel like a played a part in how the friendship ended. There were times when we could have hung out but I felt so self conscious about myself and the way I looked that I did not want to hang out with her. Like her hair was so pretty and long and she was so much thinner then I was.....I know real petty stuff but my point was that this was my friend and I should not have let my own insecurties play such a big role in my friendship. I feel like maybe I could have been a better friend. I don't know should I start reaching out more to the people I consider to be my friends??? Should I stop waiting for them to reach out to me? Am I a good friend? Have a jinxed my friendships in the past with my own issues and insecurities? I don't know I am learning that what ever changes go on in my life that it is important to keep the people around me that I love and care about.

Today I did my first marathon, I was rathered disappointed with myself. I could have done better I got a really bad dizzy spell and felt faint so I had to walk the rest. I wondered why does this happen? Oh well I am going to keep training and do better next time. I am glad that I had the heart to get out there and do it, I got up about six this morning and went. Today is a very lazy Sunday I am watching the Whats happenning marathon. Nothing too exciting to talk about right now....oh well chow.

If a friend hurts your feelings is it best to approach them about the issue even if you don't feel like addressing it???? I have as situation with a friend I just don't feel like addressing something she said to me, maybe I am being sensitive about also. She said something to me that I am kind of having issues with myself. Anyway at some point I guess I will address it.
So the winter is back which totally sucks ass, I so hate the cold and the fact that I have to run in it is really going to suck. Well I am sleepy so I must go.

Damn I am still at 148 but I am not going to stress about it. I have been going to the gym and everything I guess I still need to cut back on some stuff. I don't have treats to often anymore either. Again I am not going to stress. Another on going issues in my life is money, I have never had such a problem holding on to money as I do now. I don't know what is going on.

I forgot how it feels for my panties to get wet again I don't remember the last time they got wet! With him I wanted to so badly OMG I'm so sexually attracted to him. I never would have thought I could have been with his type. I did not do anything but damn I wanted to. Sex is actually something your suppose to do and enjoy it it's not a choir that you want to get out the way!!!! Who knew?? I felt like that with Terrance, even if I did not get off I still enjoyed it because I enjoyed being with him in that aspect. There are so many nights were I just sat and starred at the alarm clock.... I want to be able to look at the dude and be like I want to fuck the shit out of him. I have never felt like that, nope not once. There was one time when I was drunk but I want to fuck everybody when I am drunk. Any way I felt some type of way about Jamaine today, it was my brothers birthday today and we were in the dollar store I was buying David balloons and he decided to by his nephew some stuff but did not buy my brother anything. I don't know if I am being petty or even if it is worth mentioning. I mean I brought his sister, nephew, and parents stuff for their birthday and christmas. And I got something for his parents aniversary. Maybe it's me, I mean not everybody is going to think the way I do.

I forgot how it feels for my panties to get wet again I don't remember the last time there got wet! With him I wanted to so badly OMG I so sexually attracted to him. I never would have thought I could have been with his type. I did not do anything but damn I wanted to. Sex is actually something your suppose to do and enjoy it it's not a choir that you want to get out the way!!!! Who knew?? I felt like that with Terrance, even if I did not get off I still enjoyed it because I enjoyed being with him in that aspect. There are so many nights were I just sat and starred at the alarm clock.... I want to be able to look at the dude and be like I want to fuck the shit out of him. I have never felt like that nope not once. There was one time when I was drunk but I want to fuck everybody when I am drunk. Any way I felt some type of way about Jamaine today, it was my brothers birthday today and we were in the dollar store I was buying David balloons and he decided to by his nephew some stuff but did not by my brother anything. I don't know if I am being petty or even if it is worth mentioning. I mean I brought his sister, nephew, and parents stuff for their birthday and christmas. And I got something for his parents aniversary.

Ever feel like you just can't get your shit together. Okay I go home and my house is just a total mess, I mean it has been like this for years even before we moved to Somerdale and everyone seems to be okay living in total choas. I am not okay with it. I mean there are perks to being here like all my stuff is organized my clothes are in the drawer and folded nicely all my hair stuff and deodorants, etc are neatly placed in my drawer. I mean it is just different from being home. When I go home I clean my room leave for a couple of days and come back and it is destroyed all over again. I mean the bathroom has not been cleaned in a while the hall way looks like something has ran through it. Ugg, I have to concentrate on getting myself together and doing what I have to do for me. Obviously things are not going to change.

Then I gained weight and can't seemed to get it together to loss it. I mean I can't fit anything that I use to wear. Yeah I almost cried a couple of times but I am not going to let it get me down. I know what I got to do. I just feel like I am all over the place, as far as with my finances and just getting ahead of what I want to do with myself. I mean I have a goal in mind but I am just sort of confused of how am going to get there. I want to save money but by the end of the week I don't have anything to spare...things just suck right now. Oh well I guess I will figure something out or things will just come together.
OMG I had this dream this morning I was with this puerto rican guy that I messed with last summer for a brief second before he turned crazy on me. Yo he was so sexy. Anyway I was dreaming that he and I were seeing each other and we were having that tv sex like that passionate intimate sex. I was so attracted to him. I have not had that kind of sex in a very long time. I miss that so much, just that feeling of wanting some body that feeling of can't waiting to see them and just tearing there clothes off and giving it to them. What a feeling!

I don't what I want to do with myself some days....well as far as my relationship. I know I have talked about this countless times with my friends but I am not sure if I really want to be here with him. Am I happy or not I don
t know, sometimes I feel like a prisoner here, or just a little uncomfortable because it is not my house. I think I just want to go home and be in my room and my own house. I know how it felt to be single and dating and I did not like being in that place but I do miss doing my own thing being and being an individual. I miss that. I can't just get up and get myself something to eat because he is right there and he might want something to eat too. I don't I think I need sometime to myself right now. I think I am going to go home.
What about sex I don't want to do it to him because I am never in the mood for it and I don't lust for him

Urggg that's how I feel today,it was just a long long Monday. I don't have any energy and I feel fat. I am tired of feeling fat. I need my own place I think I am in a real pissy mood right now. Sometimes I hate being at his house because his family likes to talk and when I am feeling miserable that's not what I feel like doing that is the very least of what I want to do. I would like to know if I am doing something wrong I just keep winding up in the same situations and feeling the same way about myself. I got some real issues with my weight and I know this, I have been playing this weight loss game for a very long time and at one point in my life I thought that I was becoming comfortable with myself but I seem to back slide and start to feel crappy about myself. Oh well fuck it just fuck. I just get so damn fustrated sometimes. I guess I will just have to deal with it the best way I know how. It's like I just keep asking or looking for answers from somebody else and not within me.....I don't know how much sense that makes but whatever man.

Anyway I have a crush he is so cute and white. Can you believe this, I like a white guy

I have not written in quite some time now, just too many things that I am dealing with and sometimes writing it down or typing for that matter just makes you think too deep about it. Anyway, lately I have been staying with my boyfriend I mean it's great but honestly there are times when i don't feel like being here or at home so damn what are my options in that case. I still don't have an academy date but I really don't want one anyway.
My future is scary so uncertain......GOD! It's crazy because I always asked god to take that weight demon away and I don't remember the last time I put too much thought on my weight, I mean I think about it but I have come to realize that there is so much more to life then worrying about what size jeans you are wearing. I mean people are so ungrateful in this world they take the small things for granted like being able to go about there day with no pain or getting out of the bed without even a thought. What I would not give......subsquentely I guess there are people who wish they were in my shoes as well so I guess there is always too sides of the coin.

I think I might need some type of money management or something. I have so real issues my account is now about forty something dollars in the negative, my bank contacted me and said that if I keep bouncing checks they are going to close my account. My gosh Laura was right when she said thing will get worse before they get better. Then AOL are trying to charge me 140 dollars for service that I don't even have. I know that it is going to get better. Things that I am facing are so scary, I have so many thoughts running through my head every day. Well at least I get paid on Friday and it will be a three week check, but if I am not carefull I will spend that all up. The thing is that this is not the first time I did something like this.
The worries that I am having with my RA puts everything that I have worried about in the past look so stupid. I can feel myself starting to stress and wanting to do something crazy to relieve my anxiety!!!

Today is my last day with Cendant Mortgage!!! I have been in here four years and seven months and the time has finally come Thank you lord! God it has been rough but I finally made it. On to bigger and better things....thank god! I could have never done it without the help of my bestest friends my mother and moooooooooney! Luv them guys they definitely kept my grounded when I thought I was going to lose it! Well 15 more minutes and I am done!!

Today is not working for me...I am in one of those blah moods....will explain later

Hurt hurt hurt don't want to hurt no more. Don't want to take anymore pills don't want to thank about it no more. Just tired of hurting....yes I will go through the academy and yes I will make it. Want to know why because I want this. I am going to keep it moving why because there are people who have it allot worse then I do. Yes I want to complain and cry sometime no I did not ask for this but yes I know I am going to be okay.

I think i ate too much I need more self control with eating...okay today I am making a promise to myself healthy eating no more eating bad!!! Okay I am goign to do this!